Edging the Current

(Written September 19)

Just a quick post, not directly kayak related but sort of. Still haven’t made it to rolling practice. I kind of wish they did it on the weekend, getting out of the office and into gear and over to the lake on an evening is a little daunting to me but next Wednesday neither my boyfriend or I will have kids in tow so we should be able to make it work. Once I’ve figured out the logistics once I know it will go easier. At the moment I’m keeping my kayak and gear in his garage so I have to get from work out to his house and then over to the lake. And my boss can be a little hyper about me leaving before 6, realistically I’d have to leave at 5 or so to make it work. But it is a priority so I NEED to make it work.

AND, I need to get back into shape. Thanks to Dave I mustered enough motivation to get up with him and walk the dogs this morning. It wasn’t much but at least I was up and moving, and I did some stretches and crunches and push ups when we got back. I wasn’t dripping with sweat but it felt good to get some of the creaks out. If a future in my kayak is really going to be viable I know I need to build my strength and flexibility BEFORE I get injured, not struggle to recover afterwards.

(Written October 9)

Ok, another quickie since I’m at work.  I never clicked the button to publish the above because it sounded whiny.  But, at the end of the day, a good blog is an honest one and we all have whiny days sometimes.  Dave and I did make it to roll practice once but too late to do any practicing other than working on our strokes and meeting a couple of nice folks.  I love the speed and grace of my Remix but I’m still struggling with my forward stroke, I think I have it, I’m going good, and then all of a sudden I spin out and I’m headed in the opposite direction.  If I MEANT to do it, it would look awesome I’m sure!

I’m still teetering and tottering, struggling to balance all the very, well, forceful, forces pressing on me from all sides.  I won’t give another whiny laundry list though, I’ll try and focus on the positive.  I had my son for a whole week since his Dad had to make an unexpected trip to Florida to help a friend.  Although I initially was annoyed because the two extra nights disrupted some cool plans I had, ultimately he and I had a great week together.  There was a lot of laughter and love between us this week, and he seems to be integrating with Dave’s family in a really astonishingly beautiful way (which is in no small part due to Dave’s kids being AWESOME).  I emailed a bit with a buddy from law school who has an almost year old baby and has recently begun the struggle of working at a big law firm full time while trying to be a mom and a wife in the suburbs.  She made me laugh when she praised me for, in essence, being a super mom, and successfully juggling so many things.  It reminded me, and I tried to remind her, that we are so quick to assume that others are doing everything so much better than we are and to compare ourselves to fantasies based on the smallest windows we get into other people’s lives.  This was my response to her:

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Ok your comment on how I manage to stay on top of so much actually made me laugh out loud.  The short answer is, I don’t. I make compromises all the time.  Like my current rationalization that the layers of dog hair coating every conceivable surface in my house (except my kitchen counters, I draw the line there at least) probably provide insulation and lower my energy bills.  Yeah right.  Or the rationalizatin that the black pair of pants I’ve worn 3 out of the last 5 work days probably are still ok because there aren’t any VISIBLE stains on them and I’m reasonably certain no one at work will be sniffing the lower half of my body today.  And I at least managed clean panties so that’s something!  I’ve gained 19 lbs since Dave and I started dating and I started this job. (he’s gained too so at least we’re BOTH fat and happy!).  Truth is, something always has to give.  The trick is keeping it from being Chase that gets the short end of the stick all the time.  I hope that I create enough stability and magic moments for him that it will all work out in the long run.  Heck, he doesn’t give a damn about the dog hair or the fact that I’m busting out of my pants!  And I tell myself all those dinners he has at his friend’s house during the week are probably more wholesome that anything I’d produce in my kitchen anyway.
 
I make little bits of headway.  I managed 20 minutes on the elliptical this morning (but then I couldn’t find my new yoga dvd in the piles of crap mixed in with the dog hair) and I’ve been sticking to my new 10:30 bedtime for at least a few nights in a row which is helpful.

You and I both tend to get caught up in the fallacy that everyone else is managing more than we are.  Lets keep checking in with each other so we both know enough to be proud of the littlest victories and not despondent over the dropped opportunities.

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So, thanks Neena, for helping me keep things in perspective! Until you told me your perspective, I wasn’t seeing how skewed my own was.

Anyway, I’m psyched to head to Whitewater Goddess weekend tomorrow.  I thought about asking to see if anyone else was coming from Atlanta to carpool but then decided that I’m really looking forward to the time alone in the car, it will be part of the process of “retreating” from the chaos in my world at the moment. I’m also planning to turn off the blackberry at 6 p.m. on Friday and not turn it on till I get home Sunday.  I haven’t done that in 2-3 years at least. I’m chomping at the bit to move forward in so many areas of my life but I’m stuck for various reasons.  Not the least of which is my husband’s unwillingness to work with me to get the divorce done.  Part of the reason our marriage ended was because of how miserable it was over the last 4 or 5 years to manage his emotions all the time.  Despite that I was sticking around, trying to help him with his depression, but ultimately HE decided to walk.  And I realized how good that was, how right it was for both of us.  Then he went and changed his mind when Dave came into my life so now I’m the bad guy in our divorce when we started off so amicably.  And I’m stuck STILL managing his emotions because I’m still hopeful we can settle the divorce so every day is a balance beam of doing what’s right for me and Chase and trying to not completely antagonize him in the process because I need his signature on a piece of paper.  I suspect that we are getting close to a point where I will have to force the issue and I’m so angry and feel so betrayed by him for making our family do this the hard way because his ego is bruised.

So here’s to the promise of cool, clear water and the healing force of communing with others in long dappled eddies.