Edging the Current

When we were at the NOC clinic with Rob I seemed to have a halfway decent eye for eddies, at least for a total novice.  Eddies are places to stop and breath, places where you can get out of the onslaught of water chasing gravity.  They appear periodically along the banks, created by the ebb and flow of water meeting land.  They can also appear in the middle of a rapid, created by the shelter of features large enough to completely break the water flow. 

This river that is my life has shifted from a swampy and stagnant place into a rushing, foamy, sparkling and breathtaking series of clear and cold rapids.  I feel refreshed and cleansed by the change, but also a bit unsettled by the speed and uncertainty of it all.  One year ago I was drowing slowly in an unhappy marriage.  Waking every day to dwindling hopes to rekindle something that had long felt dormant and lying down at night feeling crushed and rejected.  I was abjectly unhealthy in a host of ways, physically and mentally.  I was bored to tears at my job and my performance was beginning to border on passive aggressive.  I was feeling crushed by the pressure and expense of a brand new and massive renovation.  I stopped short of having another baby to save my marriage.  I had a house instead.

Today I’m working with my soon to be ex towards what will hopefully be an amicable divorce.  I gave up the massive renovation and am closing on the sale of the house on Monday.  I gave up the old job and, with a huge leap of faith, switched things up pretty drastically and started practicing family law.  I moved in April, living alone as an adult for the first time in my life (except for my 7 year old son of course).  I embarked upon a physical transformation, going from being completely sedentary to doing 4 months in a row of a hard core fitness bootcamp and training for my first half marathon.  I lost about 20 lbs, discovered muscles I’d never seen before and felt fantastic.  Then, while training for the half I suffered a severely prolapsed disc and running the half anyway pushed it pretty much a bit past bearable. Then I went back to being sedentary, and in agonizing pain while working thruogh the diagnosis, the treatment (hydrocodone, PT and a spinal steroid injection).  Now the 20 lbs is back on which is BEYOND frustrating.  I’ve been in pretty good shape to start working out again for at least the past 2 months but the motivation is missing. 

My new job is exciting and fun and way more engaging than my old but it is also kicking my ass.  I’m writing this during a lunch break on my 11th straight day in the office.  I also work much further from where I live now, and I somehow ended up with all three pets in the split.  Between my commute, my long hours, my child, my animals and my need for a social life I feel beyond tapped out most days.  I have a vision for my future, of a place, past what will be some really challenging rapids coming up soon, that will flow fluid and swift but without so many jagged obstacles, without so many sudden drops.  But still without the mugginess where I used to be mired either.

And, running through all of the rythms of my life now is the steady percussion of love.  I’m in love.  Full on – living the cliche kind of love.  We are each complete, in and of ourselves.  We are each whole and dynamic.  Together we are giddy and delicious, sharp and sweet, bumbling and graceful.  We click, we connect, we play off of each other.  Syncronistic electric eclectic. Yum.  His name is Dave and he thinks the raw me is the best me.  Amazing.

As I’m rushing along feeling alternatively exhilerated and terrified, in control and completely unbalanced, I keep looking out for eddies.  I saw one coming up in the form of roll practice on Stone Mountain lake this past Wednesday.  Being in a kayak on water, focusing on those sensations and that challenge, IS an eddy from the rushing rapids of my life.  But, alas, the rushing rapids of my life wouldn’t let go this week.  I couldn’t ferry through the flow and get across that eddy line.  I didn’t make it to roll practice because I was stuck at work.  ARGH.  Part of me sometimes feels, I just shouldn’t start this now, I don’t have time for it, I have too much else going on.  But that ALWAYS applies if I let it.  And for so many years that was the precise reason that I DIDN’T do so much!  I refuse to accept that the rushing rapids in my life are in COMPLETE control of my direction and pace.

So I’ve got to learn to work WITH the rapids and the drops, they are just part of the landscape for now.  And frankly, I wouldn’t change that for anything, even when I do feel frightened by the transformative power of a river unleashed.  AND I’ve got to keep shooting for eddies, even though I’m bound to miss them from time to time.  There is a deep and calm pool coming up in my amazingly thoughtful birthday gift from Dave.  On October 10 I’m headed back to NOC, by myself, for Anna Levesque’s Whitewater Goddess Weekend! www.watergirlsatplay.com.  I’m determined to come back with an even better eye for eddies, even the littlest ones!